Chuck Norris Jokes

[Diesel]

Here is the offical Chuck Norris Jokes thread

feel free to create jokes ur own or use already made up ones.....ill start us off

Chuck Norris cloggs the toilet when he pees! :D

[Forte.Exe]

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Wendys, and got one.

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris's tears can cure cancer.....too bad he has never cried!

[Forte.Exe]

Chuck Norris once shot down a German Airfighter by pointing with his finger and yelling bang.

[Diesel]

lol that one was funny....

During a breif sparring match with wolverine, chuck norris's left testicle was sliced off by wolverine's blades. the testicle soared into space and today it is known as the planet Jupitor..........

[Forte.Exe]

lmao.

The is no excint animal list, just a list of animal Chuck Norris allows to live.

[Diesel]

if chuck norris is late......then time better slow the f#@k down!

[GohanX]

Haha...

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, the horse is hung like Chuck Norris :P

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris is currently involved in a law suit against "Bubble Tape" bubble gum....he is suing because he thinks that their slogan "six feet of fun" if refering to his ..........urinary system..! lol i tried not to ruin the joke.

[GohanX]

Hahaha...

I'd edit that out before Cid or Neto see's that :P

[Diesel]

lol i tried......

chuck norris doesnt go hunting...he goes killing!

[GohanX]

Ya coulda said p3n!s :P

[Diesel]

just to be safe.....
i read one of cid's post that said ***ual content wont be tolerated or sumthing like that

Chuck Norris doesnt sleep.....HE WAITS!

[Papelbon]

Chuck Norris doesnt look under his bed for the Boogeyman, the Boogeyman looks under his bed for Chuck Norris.

[Forte.Exe]

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

[Diesel]

http://accordionguy.blogware.com/Photos/2006/05/chuck_norris_toilet_paper.jpg

Chuck Norris's toilet paper lol :D

[The Driver]

Chuck Norris can't beat Top Gear's The Stig. One look into Stig's helmet, Norris breaks down.

Some say he can win a game of monopoly without owning any property, and he has counted to infinity......Twice! All we know is he is called The Stig!

Bet Norris couldn't do that

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

[Forte.Exe]

Chuck Norris can win a game connect four in 3 moves.

[Invisible Shadow]

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

[Diesel]

Under Chuck Norris's beard is another fist

[Invisible Shadow]

If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.

[Diesel]

If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his @$$ kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

[Nova]

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

[Diesel]

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

[Vipershark]

Chuck Norris can defeat a brick wall in tennis.

The only person that can scare chuck norris is himself.

[Diesel]

this one is my personal favorite :) :D :) :-)



Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Arnold Schwarzenegger(sp.??) all die and go to heaven and are standing in front of God on his throne being judged.

God asks Vin Diesel why he should be allowed into heaven and Vin replies, " I was a decent person that never commited any crimes and I remained humble and grounded through the fame I earned as an actor." God says, "My son Vin, you are permitted enterance to heaven."

God then turns to Arnold and asks him the same question to which Arnold replies, "I displayed dedication and commitment to my careers, and was considered one of the greatest bodybuilders of all time because of these characteristics." God says,"My son Arnold, you are permitted entrance to heaven."

Finally he turns to Chuck Norris and asks him the same question he asked the other two men...Chuck stares at God and sternly replies,"Umm I think you are in my seat!!"

[Forte.Exe]

Chuck Norris. LAUGH!

[RJ Cunningham]

Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel, and Arnold Schwarzenegger(sp.??) all die and go to heaven...
thats not possible, chuck noris cant die ;)

Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

[Forte.Exe]

He would take the Hat for Himself, then Roundhouse kick you.


Chuck Norris is aware of these "facts" being spread about him. So far, he has generously allowed their authors to live.

[The Driver]

The Stig has the ability to fire Alan Sugar (Donald Trump in the US Version), and The Stig's first name really is "The".

I dunno if Chuck can fire Sugar or Trump and he has no cool first name.

[Polythene Pam]

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.




best thread ever

[Diesel]

IM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT THE STIG....chuck norris owns all lol

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/e/ec/TopGearStig.jpg
The Stig

http://www.images.generallyawesome2.com/photos/album/chuck-norris-album2.jpg
Chuck Norris

Who owns?...u decide lol

[RJ Cunningham]

chuck norris = awesome
stig = lame

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

[Diesel]

lol i agree

chuck norris lost his virginity before his father! lol

im off to the beach...... see all u in CD on sunday...have a good weekand :D :D :D :D :D :D

[RJ Cunningham]

The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep. (i've got a bunch of these :D )

[Invisible Shadow]

So do I, google chuck norris jokes. :P

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

[Vipershark]

Chuck norris has no shadow. He killed it because it kept following him everywhere.

He also has no reflection in a mirror. He killed it for copyright infringment of his face.

[RJ Cunningham]

So do I, google chuck norris jokes. :P
lol thats wat i do

The following is a short list of things Chuck Norris cannot do: .

[Diesel]

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. :eek: :eek:

[Vipershark]

Chuck norris has never gotten a speeding ticket. a cop pulled him over once, took one look at him, and sped off without giving him a ticket.

[RJ Cunningham]

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

[Diesel]

this one is funny--->Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

http://www.modmyprofile.com/graphics/messages/funny/chucknorris1.jpg

[Vipershark]

Chuck Norris doesn't need to use guns as his fists are faster than speeding bullets, and more powerful than a locomotive.

[Diesel]

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it’s f#^king beef.

[Invisible Shadow]

Heh...

[Diesel]

http://g-t-a-4.by.ru/images/grand_theft_auto_somalia.jpg
i just seen this picture and its AWESOME lol


"The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. "

[RJ Cunningham]

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

[Polythene Pam]

Chuck Norris can sneaze with his eye's open

[Vagamefreak]

You can't see it, but Chuck Norris's leg actually detaches when he roundhouse kicks.

[Vipershark]

Chuck norris kicks so fast that his legs can deflect bullets. If he ever gets shot at and you see him start to kick, you'll know why the bullet flew ayay.

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*ck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

damn u....i couldnt find that joke over the net,,,,i remembered the basis of it but i didnt remember how it went..... :mad:


Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter". :D

[Vipershark]

Whenever chuck norris goes into a bank, tellers giver him all the money in the safe without him even trying to rob them.

[Diesel]

lol....
Chuck norris can speak brail :D

[Invisible Shadow]

Brail?!?!

[Diesel]

u dont know what brail is?....*sigh* lol
brail is little dots imprinted on paper so blind people can feel them and then they can read like a person can see........the dots are placed in a certain order so they represent letters.......so it can only be written and not spoken

that is what makes the joke funny :D

[Invisible Shadow]

I get the damn joke.... I was being sarcastic and saying BRAILLE??? WOW, HE'S IMPRESSIVE.

[Diesel]

srry.....i just thought that u didnt know............................ITS KIND OF HARD TO BE SARCASTIC WHEN TYPING lol

Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.......

i dont think this one is very funny :(

[Invisible Shadow]

Yeah... It sucks...

[Diesel]

hmmmm,,,,let me get another

this one is good :D

A blind man bumped into Chuck Norris. The simple act of touching him cured the man's blindness, unfortunately the first and last thing the man saw was a fatal roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

[Invisible Shadow]

Ooh, here's one I made up.

Legend has it that Chuck Norris IS Jesus and never died on the cross, instead, he flexed and all nails came out, then he round-house kicked all the romans to death and lives on today.

[Diesel]

its good.....if it wasnt for the jesus part it would be awesome

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck Norris met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

[Vipershark]

Chuck norris can kill a man just by looking at him.

[Diesel]

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.

[Vipershark]

Chuck Norris is never late for anything because he he makes time slow down to give him enough time to get there.

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris uses red hot lava to moisturize his skin.

[Vipershark]

Chuck Norris' sweat can cure all illnesses.

[RJ Cunningham]

Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield

[Diesel]

chuck norris was born in a log cabin that he had built with his own hands....

or RJ clean out ur inbox its full lol

[Polythene Pam]

No rasor blade can shave Chuck Norris's beard

[Vipershark]

HCuck norris doesn't need to shave. He controls how long his beard grows.

[Diesel]

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

[Vipershark]

There is no such thing as the Grim Reaper. There is, however, Chuck Norris.

[Diesel]

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

[RJ Cunningham]

When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into the backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
aww man, i was about to use that one! Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

[Vagamefreak]

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.


Lol I like that one.

Here's my personal Favorite.


Chuck Norris can Checkmate somone in Chess with one move.....A roundhouse.

[RJ Cunningham]

lol i think this ones good - Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

[The Driver]

You all say Chick Norris is great. But he can be defeated by a Frenchman...

http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/3889/vogonpoet2vc0.gif (http://imageshack.us)

[Vipershark]

An atomic bomb didn't destroy Japan. Chuck Norris did.

[Invisible Shadow]

Lol.. And UR DAD IS BANNED?!? What'd I miss??

[Forte.Exe]

You all say Chick Norris is great. But he can be defeated by a Frenchman...

http://img379.imageshack.us/img379/3889/vogonpoet2vc0.gif (http://imageshack.us)

thats not chuck norris, just a fake one.
they're everywhere

[RJ Cunningham]

Lol.. And UR DAD IS BANNED?!? What'd I miss??
idk he was fighting with cid a few nights ago and he randomly was banned last night

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was a game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

[Invisible Shadow]

:O I hope it was temp.

[Cid Highwind]

idk he was fighting with cid a few nights ago and he randomly was banned last night

Sigh, Child's gossip, since when do I fight with Members on Cheatingdome, let alone those much younger then me.

He got banned yes, temp, but not by me.


Also I can't believe this stuff is getting posted now, Chuck Norris facts are so old.

[Invisible Shadow]

Got a point..

[The Driver]

Sigh, Child's gossip, since when do I fight with Members on Cheatingdome, let alone those much younger then me.

He got banned yes, temp, but not by me.


Also I can't believe this stuff is getting posted now, Chuck Norris facts are so old.

He signed up with another account, he PM'd me with it. Name is Snyper or somthing.

[Diesel]

He signed up with another account, he PM'd me with it. Name is Snyper or somthing.

yea i did cause u were the only one online when i came on so i asked u :D

i also have no reason why i was banned....and it wasnt from cid so probably.....i have no clue

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. :D

[RJ Cunningham]

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

[Diesel]

Also I can't believe this stuff is getting posted now, Chuck Norris facts are so old.

lol chuck norris doesnt get old....

http://www.fightingmaster.com/masters/brucelee/photos/bruce_chuck.jpg
the person in the White is actually Chuck and the other person is Bruce Lee


the only fight chuck norris lost...too bad bruce lee mysteriously died shortly afterword with a cowboy boot shaped bruise across his face .....lol......

[Invisible Shadow]

Lol...

[The Driver]

lol chuck norris doesnt get old....
the only fight chuck norris lost...too bad bruce lee mysteriously died shortly afterword with a cowboy boot shaped bruise across his face .....lol......

That is one of the worst jokes i have heard.

[Diesel]

lol.....im not even gunna argue...cause i might get banned :eek:

anyways u dont even like chuck norris.....U LIKE THE STIG *sigh* maybe its a good joke :D

chuck norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana! :D :D

[Invisible Shadow]

That sucked..

[Papelbon]

I found it decent... :D

[Diesel]

I found it decent... :D
thx i liked it :D

Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"

u cant say this one isnt funny.......u got to have watched ay least a couple episodes of Walker Texas Ranger to get it :D

[Invisible Shadow]

I've watched half of one...

[Diesel]

I've watched half of one...
if its the end of the show then ur all right......wait......only half damn ur missing out.... :D :D :D

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris

[Polythene Pam]

You cant draw a perfect free hand circle becuase Chuck Norris dosent want you to

[Diesel]

When Chuck Norris played golf for money, chuck marked down a hole in 0 every time, a pro at the golf club, said to chuck,”excuse me sir, but you cant score zero on a hole”. Chuck Norris turned towards the man and said, im Chuck Norris, the man then proceeded to pour gas over his body and set himself on fire because that would be less painful than getting roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked him in the face anyways.

i like this one :D

[RJ Cunningham]

lol that was pretty good. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

[Diesel]

lol.......charles

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

[RJ Cunningham]

Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

[Diesel]

HA....

Chuck Norris is soley responsible for China’s over population, one time he went to a karate tournament in beijing and all the women within 1000 miles got pregnant

:D

[RJ Cunningham]

It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

[Diesel]

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding :D

[Some1]

Chuck Norris's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

[Diesel]

wow...who voted "NO" on the poll :mad: lol

Who would win the race between Batman and Superman to the moon???Chuck Norris

[RJ Cunningham]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n8QAeoFdM5g

[Some1]

That was pretty good.

[Diesel]

it was good but my speakers arnt working so i didnt have sound :mad:
good find though :D

[Invisible Shadow]

Lol!!!!

[Diesel]

Originally Chuck Norris was to play froto in Lord of the Rings but turned the job down cause only a panzy needs 3 movies to destroy jewlery. Also Chuck Norris was originally cast to play the lead role on the show 24. The producers had to fire him after he killed all of the terrorists in 10 seconds.
:D

[Invisible Shadow]

The LOTR joke is soooo true. 3 movies.. Just to throw a ring into fire...

[Diesel]

the only movie i liked was the second one....the first one was too emotional and the last one was full of action it was just that i didnt like how it ended...i thought that the books were alot better :D

anywho.....

for every action there is an opposite reaction....so for every chuck norris there is a richard simmons

[RJ Cunningham]

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old baby. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium

ROFL!!!

[Diesel]

lol...that one made me laugh a little

Chuck Norris won a pissing contest against a Russian race horse.

[Invisible Shadow]

Every woman Chuck Norris has ever nailed died of exhaustion after the first few minutes.

Heh, I made THAT up.

[Diesel]

after chuck norris has *** he has to fix the holes in the wall....

[RJ Cunningham]

On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000.