jokes

[tweek194]

okey this is about jokes ill start

thes 5 guy;s go to the bar and behind the counter was a sine that sead [if any one can make my horse laff free drinks rest of nite]so the guys are like fiune wele give it a try 4 of them go none could do it the5th guy went the horse could'nt stop lafing the bartender pissed give free drink



the next nite the were ther the sine was changed [if any one can make my horse cry free drinks] so 4 went out none could do it the 5th one gose out he starts cryin bar tender even more pissed sead i'll give u yuor drinks but first tell me how u did it



okey to make him laff i told him my penis was bigger than his
to make him cry i wiped it out

[Darkness]

hahahahaha thats a good one!okay ill give it a shot

A husband and wife were riding horses through a field and the horse that the woman is on bucks her off.She taps it lightly on the nose and says "Thats one"She gets back on the horse and they continue to trot on when the woman's horse bucks again.She slaps it harder this time and says "thats two".The husband and wife start to trot again when the horse bucks the woman again."Right thats three"so she takes out a shotgun and shoots the horse dead.The husband leaps off his horse and screams"YOU MAD B*TCH!WTF ARE YOU DOING??!" she walks over to him lightly slaps him, gives him a glare and calmly says "Thats one"

[tweek194]

im not sayin thi to any one so

your moms like french toast crispy on the out side soggy in the middle

[Vipershark]

okey this is about jokes ill start

thes 5 guy;s go to the bar and behind the counter was a sine that sead [if any one can make my horse laff free drinks rest of nite]so the guys are like fiune wele give it a try 4 of them go none could do it the5th guy went the horse could'nt stop lafing the bartender pissed give free drink



the next nite the were ther the sine was changed [if any one can make my horse cry free drinks] so 4 went out none could do it the 5th one gose out he starts cryin bar tender even more pissed sead i'll give u yuor drinks but first tell me how u did it



okey to make him laff i told him my penis was bigger than his
to make him cry i wiped it out

I don't mean to sound offensive, but....
LEARN HOW TO SPELL.
USE CORRECT GRAMAR.

I could hardly read that, and once I deciphered the spelling, it wasn't funny.

[Some1]

^ I agree.

Try to Spell a little better. And if you must, grab a dictionary.

[tweek194]

how is this

i come home one day and my girlfreind has crochless panties on she said u wanna do it i said hell no look what i did to your pantys last time

[Some1]

O_o

.....

[Sesshy]

lol viper,how hard was it to translate?



Anyways

If some says there a girl on a game and you say there a boy then get them by saying

G.I.R.L=Guy in real life

[tweek194]

come on some of u have to no some jokes

[STEELIX]

I don't mean to sound offensive, but....
LEARN HOW TO SPELL.
USE CORRECT GRAMAR.

I could hardly read that, and once I deciphered the spelling, it wasn't funny.

omg i was gona say that :P sead :P

ok heres one

2 men walk into a bar
the first says my wifes an angel
the second one says my wifes still alive

why do the french eat only one egg
cause one egg is un oeuf (french students will get that)

[Element Lord]

a husband and wife are in a car accident. the husband is fine but the wife must go in for surgery. after a couple hours the docter comes out

Husband: is my wife ok?

Docter: she's completely paralyzed from the neck down.

Husband: oh no!

Docter: you'll have to do everything for her. feed her, bathe her. She's going to need you to take care of her.

Husband: That's ok. I love my wife.

Docter: well don't worry because I was just kidding. she's not paralyzed.

Husband: Oh thank God!

Docter: she's dead.

[-Gold-]

okey this is about jokes ill start

thes 5 guy;s go to the bar and behind the counter was a sine that sead [if any one can make my horse laff free drinks rest of nite]so the guys are like fiune wele give it a try 4 of them go none could do it the5th guy went the horse could'nt stop lafing the bartender pissed give free drink



the next nite the were ther the sine was changed [if any one can make my horse cry free drinks] so 4 went out none could do it the 5th one gose out he starts cryin bar tender even more pissed sead i'll give u yuor drinks but first tell me how u did it



okey to make him laff i told him my penis was bigger than his
to make him cry i wiped it out

it would be a lot easier to understand that if you wrote clearer and used real words mate

[Element Lord]

let's not let one person with bad grammer get us down. I want to hear some more jokes! I told Steelix's to somebody today and they loved it

[Invader_gir]

What's big and yellow and can't swim?

A bulldozer


..tehe

[Element Lord]

why did the baby cross the road?

I stapled it to a chicken.

We're big on dead baby jokes around here

[tweek194]

do u no what the differance is between a pile of gold and a pile of dead babies? i don't have a pile of gold in my basement

[Element Lord]

what's better than 5 dead babies in 1 trashcan?

1 DEAD BABY IN 5 TRASHCANS!!!!1

[Invader_gir]

what's the difference between you and a bucket of shіt?

the bucket =P

[HRBEK]

Q. What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The Bucket!

Holy crap, Invader_gir posted an identical joke 2 minutes before me, lol... I'll have to post another now... This is hard because most of my jokes are of very poor taste, lol...

Q. What does a necrophiliac call a graveyard?
A. If I give the answer for this I'll be Banned...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[Invader_gir]

Holy crap, Invader_gir posted an identical joke 2 minutes before me, lol... I'll have to post another now... This is hard because most of my jokes are of very poor taste, lol...

Yeah, I'm good like that. Annoying, ain't it? =P

[tweek194]

what is the differance between a jew and a pizza
the pizza dose not screem wene u put it in the oven no offence

[Element Lord]

tell me if you guys get this. I found it hilarious.

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick ****ers)
<anamexis> :<

[tweek194]

a mother and her girl wre at the park and two dogs were doin it the girl said mom what are the dogs doing the mom said there baking cakes so thay go home the next morning the girl said so u and dad wer bakeing cakes last night mom said how do u no the girl said i licked the frosting off the coach

[Element Lord]

*couch

but AAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

[HRBEK]

Yeah, I'm good like that. Annoying, ain't it? =P

Haha, and that's why we love ya...

Two of my lame comebacks:

WOMAN: You want to eat dinner with me?
MAN: Seriously?
WOMAN: Sure, we can all eat sh*t, like your family does...
MAN: I didn't know you were a cannibal?

MAN: *Gives a thumbs up*
WOMAN: You can stick that thumb up your *rse!
MAN: I don't want your spit on my fingers...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[Element Lord]

haha

Man: Hey baby what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter

[tweek194]

u no what's grosser then a pille of dead babies one still alive in the middle eating it's way out

[-Gold-]

i'm thinking some of these jokes need a little work.... lol.

if i think of any/come across some good ones, i'll post em.

[Some1]

tell me if you guys get this. I found it hilarious.

<anamexis> oh man
<anamexis> I was opening a coke, right
--> Beefpile (~mbeefpile@cloaked.wi.rr.com) has joined #themacmind
<anamexis> and it exploded
<anamexis> ALMOST all over my keyboard
<anamexis> but I got it away just in time
<-- Beefpile has quit (sick ****ers)
<anamexis> :<

<Orajim> I was in the bathroom today and written above one of the urinals said "The joke isn't on the wall, it's in your hands"
<Orajim> I never felt so small in my life.

ROFL

[Invisible Shadow]

Trying... So... Hard.. Not to laugh.. :D :D :D HAHAHAHHA!!!

[Element Lord]

speaking of bathroom graffiti. i saw an argument the other day

"Who's a Killa?"
"Not you, pussy."

[HRBEK]

haha

Man: Hey baby what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter

And the rebuttal:

Man: Really? I thought it was 'Yield To Merging Traffic'...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[Vipershark]

Guy 1: Nobody cares about the jews.
Guy 2: ...Okay?
Guy 1: I'm gonna be the next Hitler and kill all the Jews and one clown.
Guy 2: Why the clown?
Guy 1: See? I told you nobody cares about the jews.

No offense.

[Invisible Shadow]

Hahahah!!

[Some1]

Guy 1: Nobody cares about the jews.
Guy 2: ...Okay?
Guy 1: I'm gonna be the next Hitler and kill all the Jews and one clown.
Guy 2: Why the clown?
Guy 1: See? I told you nobody cares about the jews.

No offense.

You got that from bash. Lol.

I did to don't worry.

[Element Lord]

Two women meet in Heaven
Woman 1: so how did you die?
Woman 2: froze to death. you?
Woman 1: heart attack. I suspected my husband of cheating, so i came home early and found him watching tv in his boxers. I ran around the house looking for her and got so exhausted i had a heart attack and Died.
Woman 2:Well if you had checked the freezer we'd both be alive right now.

[Some1]

I've heard that somewhere

[Element Lord]

how long does it take a baby to blow up in the microwave?

I dont know

me either i was too busy jacking off

[-Gold-]

what's the worst part about eating a bald... [u know what lol]

taking off the diaper. =P lol pretty sick i know.

[Element Lord]

hahahaha that's interesting.

Im more into the dead baby ones.

[-Gold-]

who would honestly want to kill a baby? a bit messed up in my opinon

[Element Lord]

it's only a joke. the the fact that's it's horrible is what makes it funny

how do you keep a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail it's other hand to the floor

[Vipershark]

Technically, doing that would make it crawl in circles. It would have to circumnavigate the nail, which means that it's going in circles around it. But uhh... It'd be sort of "crawling" with only one hand, that is. [/smartcontradiction]

[HRBEK]

I don't think we really care about how a baby nailed to the floor would move, lol...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[Element Lord]

Technically, doing that would make it crawl in circles. It would have to circumnavigate the nail, which means that it's going in circles around it. But uhh... It'd be sort of "crawling" with only one hand, that is. [/smartcontradiction]


I think you missed the word "other" in that one. one hand is already nailed to the floor. nailing the other hand to the floor prevents it from moving

ok ok one more dead baby joke:

how do you make a baby float?
take your foot off its head

[HRBEK]

Q. How many gay men can you fit on a bar-stool?
A. Four; for reasons I shall not explain...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[-Gold-]

Q. How many gay men can you fit on a bar-stool?
A. Four; for reasons I shall not explain...

Thanks,
HRBEK.

lol turn it upside down

[Element Lord]

Attention. ouch.

[Some1]

lol turn it upside down

Oh God. Lol

[Invisible Shadow]

Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[Papelbon]

Rofl!!!!!!!!!!!!

[-Gold-]

any michael jackson jokes? i have a few but i want to see some others first lol

[Element Lord]

-what do MJ and walmart have in common?

Boy's underpants: half off

-what do MJ and Mcdonalds have in common?

30 year old meat between 10 year old buns

those are pretty well known but they're the only ones i know

[-Gold-]

what's little brown and found in babies diapers? michael jacksons hand.

[Jack]

What's do Michael Jackson and Santa Claus have in common?

They both empty their sacks in little kid's bedrooms.

[Element Lord]

Q: What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with and the other you carry your groceries in.

[Magoseong]

Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Xbox have in common?
A: They're made of plastic and little boys turn them on.

[-Gold-]

these are some good ones lol i'll have to see what i can dig up

[Invisible Shadow]

Q: Why does Micheal Jackson like to lose foot races to little boys?
A: He likes to come in a little behind.

HAHAHA!!!

[tweek194]

okey an angel apears to a queen and a **** the angel said i can only take one of so give me a reason the ho shows him her tits and said have u ever seen better hooters

angel okey pretty good

the queen runs to the toilet and flushs it

the angel told the queen to come theho said y here

the angel said a royal flush beats a pair

[Element Lord]

good pun. not incredibly funny

[-Gold-]

lol that joke is like a toyota, reliable but not inspiring

[Radaghast4]

two midgets walk into a bar, the third one ducks......

[Some1]

I've heard a different version of that joke at school, Radaghast. Except it is about Jews..


Needless to say, I don't understand. =/

[Element Lord]

i think the midgits were standing on each others heads? no idea

[Vipershark]

two midgets walk into a bar, the third one ducks......

no

It's just a bad joke. They literally walk into a bar. As in a pole. They walk into a pole and hit their heads on it.

[Element Lord]

oh. wow.

edit: forgot one thing

not funny.

[Radaghast4]

yeah, its meant to be told verbally....

But here are some Helen Keller jokes....


How do you define true love?
Helen Keller and Stevie wonder playing tennis.

Did you know that Helen Keller had a dollhouse in her backyard?
Neither did she.

Yes, these are tasteless....

[Element Lord]

ive heard that second one but as "did you know Helen keller had a sister?"

why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
you would too if your name was "eeehhhhhh"

you're right these are

[-Gold-]

One-Armed Jock

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked, "What about extreme ***ual exhaustion?"
The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said, "You can write with your other hand."

[Invisible Shadow]

OMG! LOL!!! *points to my sig* That's MY joke. :D

[Element Lord]

I've heard the one about the ***ual exhaustion

[HRBEK]

Q. What's the difference between Boy George and a Swallow?
A. Boy George spits...

Man I hope Georgey Boy goes to gaol!

Thanks,
HRBEK.

[Ruda]

Two friends meet in the office of one of them.
"Hey, bud, how are you?"

"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautifull!"

"Well, I am glad you like her. Believe it or not, she is a robot!

"No way, how could that be?"

"She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have ***, too!"

"You're kidding, right?"

"No. Tell you what, you can even borrow her"

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "OOH AAH OUCH"

The guy says, "****! I forgot to tell him that her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

[RJ Cunningham]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a huge sign over the bar that says HAND JOBS $10, CHEESE SANDWICH’S $10!
So he walks up to the beautiful blond working at the bar and says, "EXCUSE ME MISS, but are you the one that gives the handjobs here"?
In a ***y voice she replies, "why yes I am"
The man shrugs his shoulders and says well then wash your hands cause I want a cheese sandwich!

There are 3 men, One Englishman, One American and One Irishman.

They are on a construction site buliding a bridge. They are on their lunch hour. and the Englishman opens his lunch "Oh My God! If my wife makes me ham sandwiches I’m going to jump off the bridge when its finished tommorow!" The American opens his lunch. "If my wife makes me penut butter sandwiches again tommorow I shall jump off that bridge with you!!!" The Irishman opens his lunch, "If my wife makes me cheese and pickle sandwiches again I’m jumping off too!"

The next day when the bridge was due to be finished. The Englishman, The American and the Irishman all open their lunch. They all had the same sandwiches as yesterday. So they all jumped off the bridge one by one. The Englishman and the Americans wives were very sad. "If only we knew not to make those sandwiches again..." they both started crying. The Irishman’s wife didnt know what to say, she said "I don’t understand... he always used to make his own sandwiches..."

[tweek194]

okay made this thread im bringin it back


wen do u ask for a womens hand


wen u get bord with yours

[Invisible Shadow]

Niiiice. Here's one:

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady asks "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenager says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces "Clean up in isle 12"

[Antownee]

Whats funnier that a dead baby?

A dead baby in a clown suit.

[Flamefist95]

Whats worse than a dead baby?

Two dead babies

Whats worse than that?

A pile of dead babies.

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies in the trash can

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies in a trash can with a live baby at the bottem.

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies with one live one at the bottem eating the rest to get to the top.


...xxD Dont mean to affend anyone. :)

[Monster Hunter]

Whats worse than a dead baby?

Two dead babies

Whats worse than that?

A pile of dead babies.

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies in the trash can

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies in a trash can with a live baby at the bottem.

Worse than that?

A pile of dead babies with one live one at the bottem eating the rest to get to the top.


...xxD Dont mean to affend anyone. :)

What's worse than that? It went back for seconds.


How many babies does it take to paint a barn? It depends on how thin you slice them!

What gets smaller as it gets louder? A Baby in a trash compactor!

[Flamefist95]

How do you get a baby in a blender?

You shove it in but how do you get it out?

With tortilla chips.

[Jack]

Gordon Brown meets up with Alastair Darling one day as he is walking his labrador.

"Hey Alistair. Fancy a drink?" Gordon asks. "Sure." Alistair replies.

So the two walk to the nearest bar and sit down at the bar.

After a few minutes, an old sheperd walks in, lifts the dog's tail, shrugs and walks out the bar again. A few minutes later, another old shepered walks in and does the same, as does another sheperd a few minutes after that.

After the 5th shepered inspects the dog and walks out, Gordon Brown can take it no more, and he asks the barman. "What the hell is going on with these shepereds?"

The barman replies, "There's a rumour going round in the other bar that there's a dog with two ar*eholes in here."

[givertree]

stupid said what lol

[catlover417]

Whaddaya get when two triceratops crash into each other?




T. Wrecks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[_d' rookie_]

I know that this is a crappy joke but i'll just tell it to all of you to know if its ok or a crap:

Guy 1: Why did the 11-year old can't come to the pirate movie?
Guy 2: Why?
Guy 1: Because it was rated "arrrr (R)".

[Invader_gir]

Where's my anti joke collection again?..

How do you get 500 midgets into a Volkswagon?
You have to manufacture a Volkswagon large enough to accomidate 500 midgets. It wouldn't be street-legal, but at least the problem of getting 500 midgets into a Volkswagon is solved.